Wednesday, March 28, 2012

News Flash

When I penned my heavy-hearted obituary for the late iMac Foreman, I heard from many of you that I might have a career in newpaper journalism.  I'm not really sure if I should take that as a compliment or a suggestion that you're tired of hearing about trains and "number two" and would prefer me to move on to another career, but after the fun I had writing my first news-style report last June, I decided to give it another shot.

Good afternoon, friends.  Today is Wednesday, March 28th, and it is time for the news of the day.

Breaking News! -- Reports are just coming in that Oscar, a white Havanese dog, has gotten loose and is roaming the neighborhood.  Eyewitnesses have reported seeing the canine in yards both to the east and west of the Foreman home.  A search party has been formed and are following the trail of several piles of partially digested train track.  

Weather --  The cold front that came through on Monday seems to have passed, but resulted in several whiffle balls being blown into the neighbor's yard.  We are also able to confirm that the beautiful and unseasonable weather experienced today is here to stay for the foreseeable future.  Meteorologist Cael Foreman had the following insight to share regarding this weather phenonmenon.

"It's really beautiful outside!  Let's go ride the gator.  And we don't even need to wear clothes!"

In response to Mr. Foreman's enthusiastic recommendation, many renowned dermatologist have urged Iowa residents to continue wearing clothing as well as sunscreen to reduce the harmful damage of UV rays.  Additionally, the Foreman family would like to remind readers that the opinions of Cael do not necessarily represent the views of the entire Foreman family.

Iowa Under Attack --  Fighting persists in western Mt. Vernon today as two rival crime lords, Cael and Graham, continue their brutal and relentless battle for toy domination.  Officials have set up several interception points including the kitchen and the family room, but no arrests have been made.  Speaking on behalf of law enforecement is Mary Foreman.

"We are using all of the tools at our disposal but have not yet been able to apprehend these criminals.  Citizens should be on the lookout for both young men who are armed with makeshift weapons and considered to be dangerous.  Cael and Graham were last seen wearing striped shirts and no pants.  If you locate these alleged criminals, please contact the authorities immediately."

Education -- Two rival area schools have been recently scrutinized as the Foreman family attempts to determine whether Cael (4) and Graham (2), will attend school in the town where they reside, or in the school system where Mr. Foreman works.  The boys' mother, Mary Foreman, cites proximity to friends and church as important criteria, while their father, Joel Foreman, would prefer to have the boys in his music program when they are in senior high school.  When asked for comments, Cael Foreman plead the "eleventeenth" and Graham Foreman requested that his future school offer "bananas, cookies, and purple frogs" as part of a balanced and nutritious lunch.  Debates will likely rage well into the 2012-2013 academic year.

Follow Up -- Lastly we are proud to report that Oscar, the small and elusive family dog, has been captured and returned to his rightful owners.  The family has issued the following statement:

"Oscar!!!  Cut it out, you irritating mutt!"

The family asks for privacy as they struggle to rebuild their family after the dog's safe return.  They are also asking for assistance from area veterinarians with access to tranquilizers.

And that's the news!  Tune in tomorrow afternoon for more goings on in the Foreman Family.


  1. post!

    As for the school thing, my vote would be hometown district---where all the neighborhood buddies will be and where it's most convienent for mom ;-)

    1. Shawna that's exactly what I've said. He's obviously partial to Solon because he works there. We're at a stand-still!


Leave your own "ism". Cael and Graham double-dog dare you.