Wednesday, June 29, 2011

News Flash

Good afternoon, friends.  Today is Wednesday, June 29th, and it is time for the news of the day.

-TOP STORY-
Restorations are ongoing with the wooden firetruck in the backyard of the Foreman home.  After extensive washing and sanding projects were completed, Mr. and Mrs. Foreman began staining said firetruck last night mere moments before dark.  With one floodlight to illuminate the area, the couple applied an appallingly bad coat of stain to very little of the wood and a great deal of the unpaintable surfaces.  When asked for a comment, Mr. Foreman replied, "I'm the man.  I'm gonna get this truck stained if it's the last thing I do."  Mrs. Foreman was unavailable for comment as she was busy picking moths and june bugs out of her teeth.

In related news, the Foreman family continues preparations for yet another camping trip.  Tensions ran high as Mr. Foreman suggested eating nothing but hot dogs throughout the duration of the trip, while Mrs. Foreman gathered interesting recipes requiring 15-20 ingredients to make the trip "fancier".  The Foreman children requested "poop" when asked for their input regarding food choices.  An investigation with CPS is underway.

The scientific community is rejoicing today on the heels of a discovery which promises to change the lives of wives around the globe.  Studies have shown a direct correlation between inhaling stain fumes and shouting "FIFTEEN!" in one's sleep.  The test subject, a 28 year-old man from Iowa, repeatedly yelled out the number as he slumbered.  Attempts to stop the yelling were unsuccessful, however a witness informed us that when she abandoned hopes of awakening the subject, she simply said, "No, fourteen..." to which the subject responded by becoming agitated and then rolling over and returning to sleep.  While there is still no known cure, pharmaceutical companies report that beer is an effective treatment.

In business news, the stock market plummeted thanks in part to a drastic reduction in diaper purchases.  Representing boys worldwide is Cael Foreman, who provided the following statement: "Now that I have a big boy bed, I sleep in underpants at night.  Sometimes I still pee, but usually I don't pee.  Sometimes I toot, but I don't poop.  That's because I'm a big boy."  Proctor & Gamble, the parent corporation for Pampers, Luvs and many other child products, admitted concern over this growing trend, but cite promising quotes from younger children like Graham Foreman who said, "Poopoopoopoo."  P&G plans to boost sales by heavily marketing water and other liquid beverages to children.

And here with your weather report is meteorologist Graham Foreman, via satellite.



And that's the news!  Tune in tomorrow afternoon for more goings on in the Foreman Family.

2 comments:

  1. Oh this just about made my day!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Glad you liked it... this was one of my favorite posts I've written!

    ReplyDelete

Leave your own "ism". Cael and Graham double-dog dare you.