Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The Twelve Lies of Christmas

There's always a great deal of debate about the true meaning of Christmas.  Some cite the birth of Christ, while others feel that the holiday is all about the spirit of giving.  But for those of us with small children, we know beyond the shadow of a doubt that Christmas is about lying through your teeth.

When did Christmas get so complicated?  Just last night I pulled out all of the Christmas gifts to organize and wrap but spent nearly ten minutes locating the items that I have strategically stashed around the house in closets, cabinets and under furniture.

"No, Cael, there aren't any presents here.  Santa will bring your gifts on Christmas Eve." 

Lie #1. 

Once Cael was tucked into bed, I compiled all of the presents and started wrapping.  But when I was only three presents in, I could hear the telltale shuffle of feet that were supposed to be in bed but were using a potty break as an excuse to see what I was doing.  I tossed the exposed gifts under a blanket and tried to intercept the hooligan at the top of the stairs.

"What do you need, Cael?"

"I need to go potty."

"Can't you use the bathroom downstairs?"

"I don't want to.  Are those presents for me, Mommy?"

"Um, uh, no.  Those are for Daddy and Ethan and Keaton."  Lie #2.  "I ordered that wrapping paper from Santa's website because I liked it so much, so don't be surprised if you see it on presents from Santa AND presents from Mommy and Daddy."  Lie #3. 

"Santa has a website?  I want to see it!"

 "Oh, I'm sorry.  It's not working right now.  Too many people tried to look at it so close to Christmas and the server went down."  Lie #4.  "You need to go downstairs and get back in bed."

"Okay.  But did you talk to Santa about my Captain America stuff like you said you would?"

"Definitely.  He said he'll think about it."  Lie #5.

I feel like the web of betrayal gets wider each year as I have to cover my tracks to preserve the magic of the season because my son is overly nosy and selectively attentive.  Maybe one of Mommy's Santa's wrapped gifts should contain a forensic crime scene test kit.  I'm sure there are some cold cases around here that the police force would like to have cleared up.

Unfortunately, this lying isn't limited to my sons.  Currently, my husband and I are performing a finely choreographed dance in which we both say we're not purchasing gifts in lieu of a night away from the kids, when in reality we both know our stockings contain items above and beyond regular stocking fare.

 "No, I'm only putting in chocolate and little stuff."  Lie #6.  "What about you, Joel?"

"We're just doing regular stockings.  Remember?"  Lie #7.  (I know it wasn't mine, but we share everything else, so I'm gonna let it slide.)

In fact, it seems that whenever we try to cap spending at Christmas or resolve to have a more modest holiday, we find ourselves searching for deals and end up with an even more extravagant and explosive Christmas than in limitless years. 

"I know.  No more gifts.  I'll rein it in."  Lie #8.

I couldn't help it.  Brand new Buzz Lightyear wings at a second hand store?  $7.99?!?  We simply couldn't have Christmas without those wings.  Lie #9.

And therein lies the rub-- as much as I lie to my children, my family and even my friends ("Yep, I LOVED your Christmas card.  And your grammar was perfect!  Lie #10), I don't lie to anyone as much as I lie to myself. 

"I want another piece of peppermint bark.  Or two.  It would probably be better if I just ate it all up so that it's out of the house.  That's a wise decision."  Lie #11.  "And I won't gain any weight, because I'll eat healthy for the rest of the week and work out everyday."  Lie #12.

So if you're like me, and I secretly hope you are so that I'm not the only one on the naughty list this year, lets take a breath and let it go.  All of the lying and deceit is perpetrated in the name of making this time special for our children, our loved ones and even ourselves, and we shouldn't waste this important time raking ourselves over the proverbial coals for eating another piece of peppermint bark. 

Because, lets face it-- we're going to anyway.  And that's the truth.

1 comment:

  1. Ha! It is getting harder as the kids get older. We were caught by our middle son right after we had opened a box from Amazon and were admiring a toy for his little brother. He was supposed to be in bed. We just hid it and totally denied that there was a truck! Ug- the lies!!!


Leave your own "ism". Cael and Graham double-dog dare you.