Wednesday, July 11, 2012

News Flash

It's Wednesday, July 11, and this is the news.

Breaking News-- 
This just in!  Authorities have interrupted a burglary in progress.  In the early morning hours, 911 operators received an urgent phone call from a woman claiming to hear crashing noises coming from her kitchen.  When authorities arrived to investigate her claims, they intercepted the robber as he attempted to pocket several small items in shiny wrappers.  Before the suspect scampered off before he could be apprehended.

Authorities are asking for your help in locating the burglar.  He is described as between the ages of 3 and 5 with short, blonde curly hair and a mischievous smirk.  Any persons providing information leading to the capture of this villain will receive a lifetime supply of three year-old Halloween candy.

Culture--  Parents world-wide are jumping on the bandwagon of a new child-rearing craze inspired by two local boys, Cael and Graham Foreman.  These photos, first broken in this report, show the boys getting a very early start on person hygiene generally reserved for an older age bracket.  The Foreman brothers provided the following comment: 

"I'm gonna shave my back.  I is hairy!" stated Graham Foreman.

"Watch me put cream on my nipples!" said Cael Foreman, echoing his brother's sentiment.

Parenting experts hope that this trend toward achieving more mature goals will help prepare today's children for adulthood.  Joel and Mary Foreman are hoping the the boys will register to vote next year after changing the oil in the van and processing their 2012-2013 annual taxes. 

Politics--  As the election season approaches, pollers representing each candidate have been working to access pockets of the population that have not already been saturated with political commercials and propaganda.  When asked for his opinion on the upcoming election and which candidate he plans to support, Cael Foreman, 4, shared his interest in supporting non-traditional candidates and parties.

"What is voting?  I want to be the prezdent.  No, no, no, no, no, no no.  I'm gonna be the KING of our house.  And I can be the KING of all the people in the whole wide world!"

Clearly hoping for a respectable number of write-in votes, Mr. Foreman went on to suggest that he will be recommending Graham Foreman as his Vice President and Oscar Foreman as his Secretary of Peeing in the House.

Arts & Entertainment--  Fans have been multiplying and the airwaves have been monopolized by the unique sound of a new band on the music scene.  The band, who identifies themselves as "The Poop and Toot Band", is currently dominating the "alternative" charts, but is wildly unpopular with listeners over 18.  One 29 year-old woman described their sound as "painful and headache-inducing" and suggested that many of the band's singles could "drive people to drink".  Despite the ongoing controversy, it is likely that the band will make an encore performance whenever those nearby are either on the phone or attempting to sleep.   

The Poop and Toot Band - Associated Press

Weather--  Lastly, community members continue to express concern for the ongoing lack of rain and excessive heat plaguing our region.  We turn to meteorologist Bubba-Doo for his insight regarding our current weather conditions.

And that is the news for the day.  We'll see you next time.

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Leave your own "ism". Cael and Graham double-dog dare you.