Monday, July 30, 2012

How to Change a Diaper

The other day I thought, since I'm so incredibly skilled in parenting, that I really should put out a series of how-to books or instructional videos with step-by-step directions for basic childcare.  And I know that there are thousands of child-rearing texts out there, but mine would be different because my test subjects are so unusual.  Think "Encyclopedia Brittanica"/"For Dummies"/"The Bartender's Black Book".

A best seller, I'm sure.

But before I launch into another business venture, I thought it might be a good idea to break down the task into six easy steps that even the most cynical parent can follow.

Step One:  Remove child's pants.

Translation:  Chase down child.  Pin child to ground using knees and/or elbows.  Curse yourself for choosing pants for your child that fasten with snaps rather than elastic, allowing them additional time to escape.  Yank down pants with one hand while retaining your vicegrip with the other. 

Step Two:  Remove soiled diaper.

Translation:  Watch out.  Just because the kid isn't a baby or liable to pee on you anymore doesn't mean you can't get dirty.  If you have any joint injuries, ask for assistance before grasping the child's ankles as they may twist and wriggle like Houdini in a straight jacket. 

Step Three:  Wipe child's skin until clean.

Translation:  A good rule of thumb is to count how many times the foul diaper content makes you gag and pull out the same number of wipes.  Wiping from front to back and breathing through your nose, remove as much of the waste as possible before resorting to the sprayer setting on the kitchen sink.   

Step Three Point Five:  Wipe again.

Translation:  As you reach for the clean diaper, you may have the unfortunate experience of discovering an errant swipe of poop on your hand.  Perhaps you didn't hold on tightly enough, but most likely, your child has been eating too many doughnuts and not enough bananas.  Either way, resist the urge to wipe it on the wall or back on the child.  Gag.  Get another wipe and clean it up.

Step Four:  Put clean diaper on child.

Translation:  Spend fifteen minutes alternating between wrestling said child and trying to rationalize reasons why he or she should stay still.  Contemplate your own sanity for trying to be rational with a child still in diapers.  Accept inevitable conclusion that the child may never be rational as long as they are living (and pooping) in your home.  Pull the diaper tabs into place.  Sit back. 

Step Four Point Five:  Diaper is on backward and/or inside out.

Translation:  Repeat step four.  Rip out three large chunk of your own hair and then call to make an appointment with a therapist in your area.

Step Five:  Redress child. 

Translation:  Beg the child to put his pants back on as if he were a teenage boy.  Suffer through panic attack at the realization that, in a short time, the child will be, in fact, a teenage boy.  Research vasectomies on the internet. 

Step Six:  Give up and let child run around half-naked. 

Translation:  They're only small once.  Clap like crazy when they throw the diaper away.


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Leave your own "ism". Cael and Graham double-dog dare you.