Say What?

As all mothers know, there are a lot of things to "expect" while you're "expecting".  Unfortunately, there are an equal number of unexpected nuggets of parenthood that creep out of the recesses of family life.  For example, I never knew that, coming from a pretty polite upbringing, I'd spend much of my day documenting my children's bodily fluids or trying, hopelessly, to argue the merits of good manners to a child that wants nothing more than to cram his chicken nuggets into the coal bin of a steam engine.

But even more unexpected are the bizarre and foreign phrases that come out of my own mouth.  I say things that would have shocked me ten years ago.  I say things that I don't always mean.  But mostly, I say things that just plain don't make sense.

"Pee does NOT go in the trash can."

"Never poke the kitty in the bottom with a drumstick."

Or most recently,

"Cael!  Don't use Jesus to shoot your brother."

Is this the kind of sentence spoken in the homes of regular people with polite upbringings?  Somehow I doubt it.  But it did happen, and I will do my best to explain why. 

It all started with Pocahontas.  I innocently DVRed the Disney movie when Joel had stomach flu and I was relegated to the couch with Cael.  After several hours of "they're two, they're four, they're six they're eight..." I had to listen to something else, and convinced Cael to munch on some popcorn and watch the story of Pocahontas with me.

 I, however, had forgotten all of the details of the movie and unintentionally introduced a whole host of unwanted behaviors unto our home. 

"Mommy!  I don't like those kids playing with the balls at Walmart.  They're savages."

Thanks, Disney.  But while I didn't approve of his inappropriate (and inappropriately directed) racial slurs, the bigger problem we encountered was that Cael took great pleasure in pointing any item at the nearest target and pretending to shoot it. 

Now, I know that almost all boys go through a "gun" phase, but it's not something I approve of for my young son, and when he started attempting to shoot Graham, his parents and eventually himself, I knew we had a problem.

Meanwhile, life carried on as we transitioned from Thanksgiving to Christmas.  We breathed a sigh of relief as more time passed and neither Graham nor I showed any signs of the stomach flu that affected Joel, Cael, and eventually Papa and my nephew Keaton. 

 Finally, last weekend, Joel and I dropped the boys off with my sister Amy while we attended the church staff Christmas party at our pastor's home.  We enjoyed an evening of food, socializing and a very enthusiastic white elephant gift exchange.

Don't know what a white elephant gift exchange is?  Allow me to enlighten you.  A white elephant gift exchange is an opportunity for you to select, wrap and give a gift that is funny, inappropriate or otherwise not gift-worthy to someone else who can throw it away with no sentimental or emotional attachment.  At this particular exchange, the unusually clever and funny gifts were distributed, passed around, passed again, again and again, and when it was Joel's turn to open his package, we all laughed to see that Jesus had been lurking inside the holly and berry wrapping paper. 

Jesus available here

Upon closer inspection, his gift was a "Jesus Action Figure", apparently sent from heaven to battle villains for interstellar domination. 

"How come Jesus has wheels?" 

I think that was a question Joel never expected to say.

Once we got home, Cael instantly gravitated toward Jesus.  He accompanied Cael into the bathroom.  He played catch with him in the family room.  Wherever Cael went, Jesus was sure to go.

And then I saw Cael pointing Jesus, arms raised toward the heavens, straight at Graham while threatening to shoot.

"I'm gonna shoot you!"

"Shoo!  Shoo!"  Graham shouted as he egged Cael on.

"Cael!  Don't use Jesus to shoot your brother!"

Shooting one's brother is bad enough, but using our Lord as a weapon is probably not acceptable biblical decorum.  So we had a lengthy talk about what Jesus really stood for and how we should love each other, and I tried to put this latest obsession to rest.

But then there was an accident.  It didn't involve guns, but it was gruesome and disturbing nonetheless and it caused me to shout out yet another unexpected utterance.

"Oh no!  Oscar is eating Jesus!"

I ran quickly to retrieve Jesus from the lion's den Oscar's mouth, but it was too late.  Jesus had already lost a hand and had suffered some serious wounds to his forearm.  With no remains of his hand in sight, I recognized that the damage was irreversible.

I stashed him behind a chair and put a pillow over the opening.  We'll check on him in a few days and see if he's still in there.