Monday, April 7, 2014

Conscious Unbearding

Now I'm no Gwyneth Paltrow, but I, too, can relate to the controversy of a relationship coming to an end.  Thankfully for me, that relationship is not my marriage, but Joel's longtime attachment to his beard.

Joel last summer, sporting a socially acceptable beard.
I blame "No Shave November".  Joel has had facial hair for nearly a decade-- so long, in fact, that if he shaves it off completely he also shaves off so many years from his appearance that I risk a prison term, and he risks his children not recognizing him.  But when NSN came around this year and a few men at his school decided to have a contest to see who could grow the best beard in one month, I had no idea it would take on a life of its own.

It wasn't until January or so that his face approached Grizzly Adams territory, and by March I was begging asking politely if he'd agree, at the very least, to lose the scruff before the baby makes his appearance in June.  I was given no such promises.

But miraculously, I received an email from my husband last week with the greatest news I'd heard in quite some time, not only for razor companies everywhere, but for my enthusiastically victorious husband who'd apparently made the greatest achievement of his life.

When you see me, please be careful not to look directly into the light of my awesomeness.  As Last Beard Standing Champion, I would like to give thanks to those who have supported me.  

First, my personal Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who gave his life so that we may spend eternity with our Father in Heaven.  

Second, to the guy at Granite City who said "that's a great beard" with a mug in his hand causing me to think he said "that's a great beer".  I replied "It's diet coke for me tonight", making for an awkward conversation on the way to taking my four year old to the potty, but I appreciate the support nonetheless.

Third, to the children at my son's bus stop who saw me for who I am and didn't tell their parents about a strange hairy guy hanging around the neighborhood.

Fourth, to Paul Mitchell for his line of Tea Tree products including a moisturizer that has kept me tangle free and well-groomed for the past 5 months.

Fifth, to the lady at Target who didn't judge me when I purchased a woman's eyebrow comb to keep those tiny mustache hairs that kept curling onto my lips from driving me into an insane asylum.

And lastly, to Jacob Munson for being a worthy opponent and standing firm long after everyone forgot there even was a contest and just thought we were incredible lazy.

I promised the kids if we win championships tomorrow that I will shave and wear a neck beard on Wednesday.  Here's to the hillbilly in us all!

I was so happy that I was willing to overlook not being thanked for putting up with said beard for nearly half a year.  But what I hadn't considered was that the UNbearding, or disbearding, if you will, might be even more painful and embarrassing than the beard itself.  But it is.

My, how it is.

Solon's voal jazz group "Fifth Street Jazz" took top honors at the State Jazz Championships, and
I awoke the next morning next to a man that looked like this...

And again today to one, much improved sans neck beard, but that looked like this.

I'm choosing to believe that this beard is going out in a blaze of glory, but at this point I could go for a bit of unconscious unbearding.

Or maybe it's just about time for me to quit shaving my legs...

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