Tuesday, November 5, 2013

We The People

It has only taken a few days of waking up to the very loud sounds of pretend battle and the machinated voices of Woody and Buzz at nearly 5:00am for me to join the ranks of those against Daylight Saving Time. 

I even saw a petition being shared by a few of my friends on Facebook that suggested the time change be done away with altogether, and by the scores of signatures on the form, there are plenty of other parents that agree.

I didn't sign it, though, because after seeing countless "Boycott Chris Brown" and "Muzzle Lindsay Lohan" petitions garner thousands of signatures and then see Chris Brown's concerts sell out and Lohan's face remain uncovered, I have lost faith in the petition process.

But maybe that's because none of the causes were compelling enough to cause real change.  Let's change that.

Petition to Make Parenting Easier

Parenting is the most difficult position many of us will ever hold, and despite the way today's modern conveniences ease the burdens of child-rearing, they yield many of our collective pet peeves as well.  By removing these irritants, today's parents will be happier and more equipped to raise competent, well-adjusted children.  These are our requests:

1.  Fast food restaurants should no longer offer french fries as the default side option for kids' meals.  Surely my children are not the only ones to prefer fruit over greasy potato strips, and when my poor memory prevents me from addressing the fry vs. fruit issue, I'd rather the fast food conglomerate not be the one to put fat on my kids' bones.  Their genes will do that on their own, thank you very much.

2.  Remove commercials from children's programming.  Sometimes all that stands between urinating in private and putting on an impromptu and very intimate one-woman show is the Disney channel.  But by not providing 22 uninterrupted minutes of brain-numbing cartoons, parents everywhere cannot remember or know the freedom of privacy.  

(2a.  In addition, Dora should no longer leave that awkward pause after asking questions to the viewer.  Not only do my children never take the opportunity to answer, but now also leave lingering, blink-filled pauses after requesting oatmeal or cereal.)

3.  Paper towel and toilet paper products should be sold in simple white, eliminating the patterned options from the shelves.  Although many people may like simplistic images of flowers or picnic baskets on their paper towel rolls, these printed choices lead my children (and undoubtedly many others) to believe that all paper and sanitary products are intended to be decorated.  While I found humor in the marker drawing of a mangled cow on my Kleenexes, I was less enthused about my ruined guest towel.

4.  It is time for the immediate and widespread elimination of the word "barf".  It's just gross.

5.  Prescription and child medications lids need more advanced safety lock options.  While the current "press and turn" caps are effective in keeping children out, they are nearly impenetrable for mothers with snot and applesauce-covered hands who are trying to medicate a screaming three year-old.  With the new iPhone 5S's fingerprint scanner a reality, pill bottles can certainly integrate a retinal or tongue scan to ease use.

6. Lastly, all retail stores should have carts available and aisles wide enough to accommodate them.  As if leaving Ulta without the latest Urban Decay product isn't difficult enough, keeping my children from knocking over displays and threatening to paint each other's butts with nail polish makes the experience nearly traumatic.  The embarrassment of pushing two boys around in one cart even through adolescence is worth it to me to enjoy my time perusing the makeup aisles without fear of them constructing a boxed hair-dye fort.

Mothers everywhere, unite!  We can make this happen.  Who is with me?!

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