Tuesday, May 28, 2013

News Flash

In the Nation - All across the country yesterday, American citizens remembered those lost to preserve our freedoms.  While many used the national holiday as a time to spend with family and engage in outdoor activities, those in the small town of Mt. Vernon, IA frustratedly looked skyward at the ominous grey clouds that have shrouded the town and ruined many holiday plans.  When asked to comment on the importance of Memorial Day, Mt. Vernon native Cael Foreman provided the following statement, "I remember lots of stuff.  Remember that time we went to that white place?  And we were outside and it was hot and I went to that tiny house and had that green icy thing?  You know, that one day?  I'm so good at remembering stuff." 

Arts & Leisure - In Iowa, preparations have begun for the 2013 summer camping season.  This year, in an effort to save money, the 1988 Airstream motorhome previously owned by Joel and Mary Foreman has been sold and the couple has purchased a tent.  Joel Foreman, a self-proclaimed outdoorsman, cited cooking over an open flame and hiking/fishing as positive points of the camping experience.  Mary Foreman energetically endorsed an opposing viewpoint, citing the lack of room service and chocolate pillow mints as negative aspects.  The debate continues. 

Agriculture - While an abundance of wet weather has local farmers concerned about the viability of their crop, avid morel mushroom hunters have taken advantage of damp conditions to yield a large haul of the sought-after items.  While many fans of the delicacy prefer to eat the mushrooms in their purest form, a group of outspoken Midwesterners swear by dredging them in craker crumbs and egg and lightly frying them in olive oil, thereby eliminating any remaining nutritional value present.  (No photos were available as the camera lens was covered in greasy fingerprints.)  

Education - In education news, parents across the country continue to mourn for the end of the academic year.  While many studies have demonstrated the educational benefits of year-round school for scholastic retention and growth, local area schools continue to adhere to a more traditional schedule.  In an effort to preserve the knowledge acquired during the 2012-2013 year, Iowa mother Mary Foreman has taken to quizzing her children.  Foreman relayed to reporters that she has seen some growth in math skills but a major loss of progress in behavioral development.  Three year-old Graham Foreman, who will be starting preschool in the fall, shared his thoughts on the area's educational system.  "I'm ready for school.  I can read all of my letters and I go potty on the big potty.  I learned lots of things, like adding and take-aways.  And I learned that you can't flush a tennis call down the potty."  In response, local school board members have proposed major changes in the preschool curriculum.

Economy - In our final story, the garage sale originally scheduled for May 18th at the Foreman home was postponed one week prior.  Global apparel retailers are closely monitoring the situation as many fear that such a large sale of baby and toddler clothes may eliminate the need for popular stores such as Baby Gap and Gymboree.  When asked, the Foreman family provided the following comment, "There are 400,000 bags of baby clothes in here.  I can't wait to get all of this crap out of the house, but please, sweet Lord, don't let us get accidentally pregnant."  The Lord was not immediately available to respond as he was occupied with a fried mushroom supper.

And that is the news of the day!  Join us next time.

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Leave your own "ism". Cael and Graham double-dog dare you.