Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Practical Purchases

Home ownership is a full-time job.  Anyone who owns their own home can relate to the feeling of being a slave to every unreliable appliance and leaky pipe.  But for some reason, our not-that-old house of only 15 years has done more than enslave us- it has chained us up and brainwashed us like characters in a trashy soap opera. 

Near-death gas leak and eight floods aside, there are countless tasks that need to be accomplished and home-improvement related purchases that need to be made.  For example, our dishwasher and heartless captor is dropping plastic wheels and attachments like a leper with no will to live.  While I'm busy stealing parts from the dog's mouth and snapping them back in place, I'm trying, unsuccessfully, to avoid making eye contact with the creeping cement-like sludge that has encrusted the door and prevents the soap compartment from closing.  The residue is yet another reminder to get off the couch and refill the water softener, no doubt the source of the grime. 

With these conflicts in mind, Joel and I contemplated how best to spend this month's "miscellaneous" budget as we sat on the 2.5 stools that remain of the original four at our counter.

And what was the verdict?  New stools?  Master bathroom mini-remodel?  Brushed nickel knobs? 

Nope... a Playstation 3.

Someday my sons will thank me for the shining example of maturity Joel and I set for them.
I have to admit that it wouldn't have been my choice.  I have serious spending anxiety, and I envisioned those dollars being ground to a pulp, compressed into a wood-like product, and covered with a light cherry stain to adorn our stool-less kitchen.

"But the Playstation will let us get Netflix upstairs.  And the boys could play too, and give you a break every once in awhile."

Nice try.

"But if you don't see any games you like, then I don't want to get it.  We should all enjoy it."

Joel did earn some major brownie points for considering me.  But if there is one thing I am not, it is a "gamer".  Sure, I have the pasty complexion and spare tire that say otherwise, but I've never been able to find any video games that piqued my interest. 

I don't want to assassinate anyone.  I don't want to battle any sort of robot/villain/monster/alien for points/money/weapons/interstellar domination.  But sadly, the video game industry doesn't cater to overworked housewives.... even though they really should.

There are millions of women just like me out there, representing an untapped market of people who are quick, smart, and so mentally overworked that five minutes of mind-numbing virtual gaming might just be the answer to happiness.  But what games would interest these women?

Picture it with me.  (The graphics in my game would be unreal.). The mother character has just assembled the dinner casserole and is preparing to put it in the oven.  Our heroine's nemesis, the two evil toddlers, will stop at nothing to keep the casserole from baking so that they can eat hot dogs and French fries instead.  Armed with a spatula, an iPhone and a glass of wine, the mother must ward off the evil toddlers to get food on the table before the clock runs out.

Can't relate to that one?  I have countless other ideas... try this one on for size.

The game opens on the screen of a mother changing her baby's diaper.  She lovingly cleans the child, patting him with powder and delivers a kiss on his nose right as she sets the used diaper on the floor.  Just then, a small white dog runs into the picture and snatches the dirty diaper in his mouth.  Your new objective is to find the dog and stop him before he has time to devour the diaper.  Extra points available for getting the baby's pants on before completing your mission.

No, this diaper does NOT have poop in it.  Even I have standards.

How's that for suspenseful?

Sadly, these games exist only in my mind.  And until Nintendo calls with a job offer in their new "housewife/stay-at-home-mom" department, I'll have to be satisfied with my 2.5 stools.

That and Bejeweled.


  1. LOL...I love how husbands try to sell us on gifts that are clearly for them. Enjoy gaming! ;-)

  2. I love video games! We only have wii for now and love it. Grandpa has playstation 3 for the older boys, but I am so getting bejeweled for it (and me). Have fun with your games.

    1. We got a Wii a long time ago but for whatever reason, when we moved 3 years ago it never found a new home. Now there's a new toy in town! Good luck- Bejeweled is wicked addicting!

  3. I'm a complete non-gamer as well, Mary! The source of the only couple fights Donnie and I have ever had are due to the fact that I do all the housework and he does none because he's too busy playing video games OR he comes home from being at work and goes immediately to sign on without acknowledging me or his son OR that he is in a bad mood for days because something in his game didn't go the way he wanted. I wish you the OPPOSITE of all of that :)

    I see the "mom" games from a completely different angle though. I don't want to play games that replicate what I already do. What I would LOVE is a game where everything is already done. Maybe like a SIMs game where I don't have to make sure anyone gets enough sleep, or eats, or has energy. These things would already be full all the time and I could do whatever I wanted with my toddler magically surviving on his own and my fiance assuring me that he'd rather spend time with me than his two dimensional friends. Ah... THAT I would pay good money for ;)

    1. Haha, that's awesome! And you're right, a much better fantasy than real life! Well I certainly hope we don't repeat those same dynamics. Time will tell! :)

  4. Have you tried guitar hero or rock band? I'm not into the violent video games, but I love music! Plus, Izzy can play them with me. We have XBox and Wii, so I'm not sure what they have for PS3 but I'm pretty sure they have both of those games! :) - Natasha

    1. Natasha, I've never tried them! We also have a Wii but for whatever reason it didn't get get used after we moved. I should look into it, though... thanks for the tip!


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