Marketplace Apologies

To the employees of HyVee - I am so sorry for the ridiculous display my children made in your produce section last Sunday.  They don't really think your store smells like "farts and Spaghettios".  That was just their unique way of ensuring my birthday was memorable.  And I'm sorry.

To the lady in the royal blue jacket - I am so sorry that my son knocked your pineapple on the floor.  He's not usually that aggressive, and when he yelled "It's a fruit bomb!", I think he meant that your pineapple was simply bursting with citrusy flavor.  And I'm sorry. 

To the cart retrievers - I am so sorry if the children's truck-themed cart we used was rendered useless after we drove it through your store's aisles.  My boys love riding in it, but executes a few ill-advised Chinese fire drills without leaving the vehicle, and I was too busy worrying about the impact of Graham's head with the floor to notice if the cart had been damaged.  Also, I hope the produce bag they wound around the wheels came out.  And I'm sorry. 

To the mother with two small children - I am so sorry if my children were a poor example for yours.  I remember a time when my kids were quiet and well-behaved (well, not really) and I felt critical of other parents whose offspring were loud, mouthy or otherwise poorly behaved.  Sadly, that era didn't last, and before I knew it, my boys were shouting things like, "Quit looking at me!  I'll show you my nipples!"  I hope your sweet girls don't repeat that.  And I'm sorry. 

To Cael and Graham - I am so sorry that I took you into HyVee with me.  I would never have left you alone, but in hindsight I can see that my desire for fresh produce outweighed my common sense.  I should have let Daddy run into the store and stayed in the van so that no one would have heard your very loud fake belches.  Those were incredible disgusting, but I apologize for saying that your behavior was "more abhorrent than a deadly automobile collision".  I could tell right away that you didn't know what I meant, and it wasn't my intention to make you feel inferior or unintelligent.  I just wanted you to shut your mouths and stop embarrassing me. 

And I'm sorry.