Thursday, August 11, 2016

To Baby, Or Not to Baby?

Have you ever felt that, whatever stage in life you occupy, you are living at capacity?

I remember a time shortly after my husband and I had married and I was still working at the college we'd attended, when I found myself so hurried and stressed to run down the street over my lunch break in order to let our dog out to pee.  How had my life gotten so complicated?

Fast forward ten years, three kids, several cars, a new home, countless day care kids, and about a billion more responsibilities later, and you'll find me in bed, typing this post at midnight by the glow of the Olympics on late night TV.  I truly feel like I'm utilizing every moment and every scrap of energy in my reserves.

In moments like this, I find it hard to imagine voluntarily adding more tasks to my day, more work to my life.  And yet, my husband and I have been contemplating just that-- the decision of whether or not to close the door on having more children.


I think I have something of a mental aversion to permanently closing that door.  The idea of not creating another beautiful baby when one could exist seems like sacrilege.  On the other hand, sacrilege could also look like a VW Beetle-sized mountain of disposable diapers on our curb, a triple-dose of anti-anxiety meds and four boys with Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease.

Because you just KNOW I'd have another boy.

When I think logically, I know that the list of "Reasons Not to Have Another Baby" is much longer.  Babies are expensive.  Adler is finally reaching a point of more independence, which allows me the same.  And after finally finding a diet that keeps me in a weight range I can live with, I'm not enthused with the idea of hefting around thirty extra pounds and another year and a half of wearing ill-fitting nursing bras.

But when I try to think logically, my wires get crossed, because babies.

How can you compare sleep with snuggles?  How is it possible to objectively weigh time alone against soft baby skin?  Do I really have room in my life for another child?  How would I feel knowing I couldn't have another?  How many organs would I have to sell on the black market to pay for college for four kids?

How did YOU make this decision?  

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